Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My Future, Past and Present

A couple of nights ago, I was reading through an old journal from a year ago and I was caught off guard how emotional it would be to recall painful events and memories. I poured my heart into writing down every fear, disappointment, and heartache into this small notebook. Some of the ink on the pages have almost disappeared from my tears smudging the words right off the page. I can recall crying so many times as I poured my heart and soul into this journal. It was the only safe place I could process my thoughts and feelings as I were going through a very difficult and trying time in my marriage. Back then, I was so convinced my life situation would not improve. In fact, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did – measurably.

So many months have passed since coming through that difficult time it seems so long ago. Yet reading those entries refreshes the memories from my past as if they were yesterday. But yet, here I am today – determined to move on again as a single mother and doing very well. I have learned that my past doesn't have to interfere with my present and let alone not hinder my future.

In our darkest moments it is easy to allow ourselves to be consumed with hopelessness and despair allowing our decisions and actions to be birthed from feelings or emotions instead of rational thinking. Even pity parties are a form of self-medicating which has its own consequences.

But what saved me from going down a dark path of self-destruction was taking my eyes off myself and the turmoil within me. Instead, I clung to my faith and believed with all my heart that I would rise a better person, the moment I let go of my own selfishness and focused my energy towards a transformation of heart, mind, and soul from the inside out. What I learned through years of meditation, prayer, and reflection was that my circumstances may determine my feelings, attitude, and emotions but they do not determine my future. With a warrior mentality, I started to address certain lies I allowed myself to believe: “I’m not worthy… things will never change… ” I challenged these negative thoughts one by one with the truth of God’s love and His endless grace for me until I conquered the enemy within me. This journey opened the door for healing waters to flow and set me free from lies I had believed since I was a child.

Although my life is not perfect (and neither am I for that matter), I live each day by faith and not by sight knowing whatever hardship I may be experiencing presently is only for a moment and only part of my journey and not my destination.

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