Thursday, July 5, 2012

Treasured Memories

As I ponder and look back in my life, I must say it has been a very fascinating adventure full of happiness, joy, sadness, lots of tears, painful times but yet some I rather keep in my box of memories I have treasured throughout my life. But of course, it is only the happy moments of my life that I keep. I like to keep those happy moments because they are the ones that keep my hope alive.  Hope is the very essence that feeds my faith and it nurtures my heart to believe that happiness does exist all around me. I have learned that you create your own happiness even in the midst of pain, pain of losing someone you loved, a relationship gone bad, ending a friendship, at least for me I had lots of happy moment and those are the ones I decided to treasure up, did you notice I said “decided” because I made the decision to keep the happy memories to avoid filling my heart  with hate and bitterness and carry the pain that weight me down for so many years, at first it wasn’t easy, but with much determination I decided to free myself and accept  the good times and release the bad and that gave me a fulfilling sense of peace that lets me enjoy the happiness that I created in my heart and it flows from my mind to my entire being. 

Keeping the happy memories also fills me with much contentment to live the now; allowing the happy memories to outweigh the bad gives me a sense of freedom to be able to enjoy my life to the fullest. It helps me to keep my mind free from bondage, it keeps my heart young and it lets my spirit dance to every beat of my heart releasing within me peace and joy that overflows with the unexplainable feelings that keeps me young and strong.

Written on 7/5/2012 by Maribel O’Neill

From the Valley of Brokenness

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

As I sit here to sort my mind in hopes to align it with my heart, I wondered if I ever really knew the man I fell in love with.  The man that came into my life unexpected and did everything he had to do to win my heart. Before this man came along, I had built walls and barriers on every side of my heart to guard myself against the lies that lived behind those walls from men who preyed over the vulnerability and innocence of a woman that had so much to give and offer of herself.  A woman that dreamed and hoped that one day, a man will come and repair her broken pieces of her heart and seal them together and make it whole again with his tender hands, touch and love. A man that knew of her past and swore never to break her heart and live that fairy tale life of love conquers all, for better or for worst, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. The dream of every woman of all ages, that was my dream, my desires and my hope and along came this man who I refuse to let in, because of the very thing that I feared became a dreadful reality.  

He persuaded, he insisted, he persevered, he challenged himself to win my heart at all cost, but I ask God now, what was the real reason for him to challenged himself to win over my heart and then destroy the very thing he worked so hard to win?  Was it the challenge of his ego, his pride or his anger to get back to a woman from a pain and unfaithfulness that was caused from another woman from his past? Was I an intended target? Was it all being mastered in his mind while he was incarcerated, did he sense my vulnerability through my letters?  Was this a mission he needed to accomplish to gain back his pride of a heart once broken?  Could someone be so manipulative, so calculated, so heartless to create the scene of a man out to conquer happiness and love but all along his heart was full of hate and vengeance. But his mission was to conquer at all cost and he mastered the words, the moments, the scenery, he staged it to perfection to win me over. 

As time went by, the walls began to come down, one by one, he gained my trust, he gain access to my heart and mind and I let my guard down but I didn't realize that I was being set up to yet another painful chapter of my life. I was in blissful love, my heart danced with joy; my spirit was floating in clouds. I felt safe in his arms, Just the touch of his hands made my body shiver, I felt lost in his eyes, his kiss would weaken me to surrender, he was passionate, I felt desired, loved, he took me to a place where I felt overpowered by his strength. He woke in me the desire, the passion; the very essence of being loved by such a man became my obsession. He controlled every inch of my body and soul, just the smell of his breath in my body would erupt in me an ecstasy of un-explainable pleasure that my body never experienced. The desires within me needed to feel and smell this man who had taken control of my every being. All my senses seems to be control by him, he became an addiction. He became to me the blood that flowed through my veins and kept my heart beating to keep me alive.  I needed him as an addict needed a quick fix. I was a love puppet being controlled by her master Puppet. I thought that my dreams were being fulfilled by this loving, caring, passionate man. I felt my life was finally complete….

But when I least expected it, the true identity of this man whose heart was full of pain and vengeance came at me full force, he became hurtful, spiteful, unresponsive to my needs, He became cold and he lacked any sensitivity over my feelings, no remorse of all wrong doing. It was like this man came and took over the life of the man I fell in love with. He became manipulative, he was intimidating, and he was hateful, cruel with words and actions. My life became a world of confusion, a world with unanswered questions, seeking desperately for the man I loved but with no avail, he was gone forever and he took with him my hopes, my dreams, my trust and my love.  And I became the victim of this cruel and vengeful man who had control of my mind, body and soul and I wallowed in despair, in loneliness, in pain and in shame. I felt I was in the world of darkness and chained to the valley of brokenness and there scattered I saw my broken dreams, my hopes, my trust, my love, my heart, my strength, my faith and my self- value.  

Days became weeks, weeks became months and months became eternal in this valley of darkness. Weakness overcame my strength, shame overtook the confidence and self-worth I once felt. But one day, I glanced at my broken hope and saw a light that was transcending from the four corners of this valley of darkness and the magnificent glory of GOD’s presence broke the chained that had me shackled into brokenness and brought it all back to life along with me was my dreams, my faith, my trust, my love and my self-worth were mended back together. 

So, as I walked out of the valley of darkness, still feeling the sting of the unknown reasons behind the drastic change of this man that won my heart and love still lingers unanswered. But as I continue to walk into the light of restoration and healing, I know one day I will become whole again and understand the reasons behind this season of my life. I also pray that one day I will be able to trust and believe again and treasure the very thing that helped me come out of the valley of darkness is the HOPE that one day I will be fully heal and move on with my life.  

MercyMe - The Hurt & The Healer with lyrics

Written by Maribel -7/3/2012