Thursday, March 15, 2012

Your Fragrance


I searched for You and found You. For many years now, You have proven that You will never leave me nor forsake me. Yet in those years, I also learned that I am not perfect like You. There were times when I kept my distance. There were times when I disobeyed. There were times when I deliberately blinded myself so I would not have to face the truth and act on it.

There were times when I could no longer smell Your fragrance.

“Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it.” When You chose me, You promised to never let go. When I chose to love You back, I did not fully understand that to let go of You… was to let go of life. When circumstances kept me locked up in a room, You came to me instead. When I began to numb, You breathed new life into me.  And so it was, that as I became bogged down with “life” I began to long for other loves that I thought I needed. I began to question why I am still alone, why I haven’t met the man of my dreams; all the while seeing my friends get swept off their feet with the men they chose to marry. Time was passing me by. Suddenly, I found myself slowing down. No time to do chores. Only time to sit down.

In these quiet moments, You breathe Your fragrance on me.

Take me back to Day One. Capture me once more. Let my heart beat to the rhythm of Your heart. You are beautiful. Wonderful. Magnificent. Your love is so wide, so big, so unfathomable. Just when I thought Your biggest surprise has come, You manage to take my breath away once more… again, and again, and again. I find myself in tears, in awe; speechless, with only a deep sigh to respond to how much love I have received and am able to give. You sweep me off my feet. When You come and meet with me, You always leave a mark that will forever stay. No logic, no human knowledge, none of the most tangible and concrete things in this world can ever contain who You are, what You are, how You are. You are immeasurable. Uncontainable. Your ways are higher than my ways. Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Your love and faithfulness are deeper than I could ever imagine and hope for.

I have tasted and seen Your goodness. Now I cannot let go. When I am blinded by my insecurities, You show me that I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made; crafted by Your perfect hands. You are my God and reason for existence. I can have all the knowledge in the world, but without You, I am nothing.

“I Love You.”

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

There Is No One Else Exactly Like...Me


In all the world there is no-one else exactly like me.
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.
I own everything about me; my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself - I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes, because I own all of me.
I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me and other aspects that I do not know, but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do - I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me and I am okay.

Loving Yourself

I’m learning lessons all the time, but learning to be gentle with myself is by far the best lesson I’ve learned so far. No matter how crappy my life may feel at times, or even if I’ve over-eaten one day and feel sluggish and “fat”, in being gentle with myself means I can keep liking myself in good times and bad and also it's that glow that comes from within that makes a woman beautiful. When a woman is happy, when she is loving who she is, and when she is sharing that light with others, that’s when she’s at her most beautiful.

Meeting Jesus At The Well


Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water." The woman said to Him, "Sir, You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do You get that living water? Are You greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well, and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and his livestock?" Jesus answered and said to her, "Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life." The woman said to Him, "Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw." John 4: 10-15


Some days I feel like the woman at the well. We keep trying to fix the same mistake over and over again with the same solution that seems to work only for a short while - let Jesus be the same today as He was at the well.


As I sat in my living room and ponder about the inner life of this woman; what does a failed marriage or divorce do to a woman? What does sexual involvement without a commitment from a man do to a woman? This woman’s situation can be a reflection of countless women that we might all be able to name or give face to our own experiences in life who have been made to feel, for one reason or another, that they are somehow not worth being around.  Think of how important it is for a woman to have the friendship of other women. Is it just a coincidence that she went to the well alone, or was this the reality of rejection in her relationships? No husband. No friend. 

I imagined as this woman walked to the well, she was her old self, carrying the burden of her past shame. A woman with secrets. A woman with heartache. A woman feeling very alone. I wonder if she could just as easily have been the victim of a several painful circumstances, as many of us, who had to deal with painful life circumstances that were not of our own choosing, can sometimes still be treated as outsiders. But the beauty of her darkness, is when Jesus comes to her at a time when nobody else would have wanted to be anywhere near her and he not only makes the time to listen, to really listen and be attentive but, more importantly, he respects her worth and dignity as a beloved child of God. He treats her as someone whose story is worth being told. He doesn’t shy away from the messiness of her life either. He doesn’t look at her as unclean or impure or somehow unworthy because of anything she has done or because of what others might think she has done. Instead, he speaks to and acknowledges the deepest parts of her own truth while also being willing to share with her the deepest parts of who He really is, and in so doing helps to give this weary woman a new spirit and a new sense of self. 

Like the Samaritan woman, God will seek to meet us right there in the midst of our struggles and in the midst of our own messy, everyday lives no matter what we might be trying to tightly hold on to in our hearts. We are to try and meet God right where we are because each time we do so, the promise is that God will find a way to transform us and heal us and make things new from the inside out in ways that we could have never before dreamed of or imagined.
I've also been touched and transformed by God in such moments and been encouraged to be more honest about my own struggles and my own difficult and dark places. And this opening up inside me has made a better place for God to dwell in my heart.

I’m wondering if there’s anyone reading this today that needs to connect or reconnect with God. You need to know that you can be simply engaging with the very same person with whom the Samaritan woman at Jacob’s well engaged. He knows all about your past. He knows the dirty, sinful, junk of your life, and he stands right beside you, offering you living water.  He is saying to you, Come sit by me, my daughter, no more lies, No more shame, No need for secrets for in and through “ME” your will have A New Life, and A Fresh Start!  

Reach out to him right now.

Dear Lord Jesus, I am in need right now. There are things in my life about which I am ashamed. I come not as someone who has reached perfection but as a sinner in need of your love, acceptance and forgiveness. Right now, I reach out to you with all my heart. I ask you to receive me, to forgive me, to change me into someone who will become a fully devoted follower of the living Christ. Holy Spirit, I invite you to come and take over. Amen

Written By Maribel O'Neill
October 23, 2010

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Bless Our Home Prayer


Listen! I am standing at the door knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in.” {Revelation 3:20}

 Oh God, whose love is endless, we ask for Your blessing on this house, our home, that it may be filled with Your love and glory. Let our doors be open to your truth, so that we may share it with the world. Let our windows bring us Your light, so that we may help banish the darkness of those who live in sorrow. Let our walls protect us and stand firm against all that is evil, so that we may not falter as we do Your will. Let our floors be a strong foundation, on which we can begin the journey to You. Let our roof shelter us from the darkness of night and the fears of our world, so that we may have the courage to walk in Your path. Teach us to love others as You have loved us, so that we may build a home of faith and love. Guide us, so that we may offer others a place of hospitality and hope, for the strangers among us as well as for friends. In praise and thanksgiving, we pray in Jesus' Name, Amen

Fill Me With Your Holy Rain

Heavenly Father, 

Here I am waiting, come and fill this void and emptiness in this dry and barren land; Shine Your light on my darkness!  Oh Lord satisfy and restore my life for I long for You!!  Come and fill my heart with hope; Come and fill my life with love;  Come and fill my soul with strength to carry on because from here the climb is steep, the road is long; Come and fill my days with dreams, Oh Father, empty me of all the empty things that I hold on to and come and fill my heart with you. I’m longing for Your hand to guide me to a place where You can cleanse me with Your Holy Rain. Baptize me once again, I thirst for You.  Lord, for I am incomplete without you. I confess more of You and nothing less. Quench my thirsty soul! Lord, Come and fill my cup again, shower down on me; I need you in my life, I need you like the air that I breathe, You have become the very heart of me, Lord your love has turned my world around… Search me Lord, try my heart, Come and take me now and make me new....So Lord that the world will see you in my life. So come, fill up my heart till I am like you are.....So deep inside of me!!

The Gift of Forgiveness


We have all been hurt, or have hurt others, in relationships.  Whether intentional or purposeful, hurt happens.  Forgiveness occurs when we fully recognize and experience the emotions evoked by being hurt and are truly accountable to ourselves and others after conflict occurs.  Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, psychologist and author, wrote a book “The Courage to Forgive. She suggests a radical model of "genuine forgiveness" that asks as much from the offender as from the hurt party.

FOUR APPROACHES TO FORGIVENESS:
Dr. Spring outlines four approaches to forgiveness:  CHEAP FORGIVENESS, REFUSING TO FORGIVE, ACCEPTANCE,AND GENUINE FORGIVENESS.  Both "cheap forgiveness" and "refusing to forgive" are, in her opinion, dysfunctional. Therefore, these approaches are viewed as less healthy and less healing for both the hurt party and the offender.
  1. CHEAP FORGIVENESS DEVALUES:
    Cheap forgiveness is premature, superficial, and undeserved--"a quick and easy pardon."

    Dr. Spring says that with cheap forgiveness, "forgiveness is offered before the hurt party fully processes the impact of the violation. [And] it asks nothing of the offender."  Cheap forgivers don't think through their actions or realize the consequences cheap forgiving has on the future of the relationship. Cheap forgiveness creates "an illusion of closeness" in the relationship. Everyone is happy and on good terms, but nothing has been resolved. More importantly, the hurt party doesn't fully acknowledge the extent to which they've been hurt nor come to terms with their injury.  In fact, often the hurt party simply "let's their anger go" or buries their hurt too quickly and automatically in an attempt to obtain peace and preserve the relationship at any cost. With cheap forgiveness, the offender has done nothing to earn forgiveness. In fact, sometimes the offender doesn't even know they have caused hurt because the hurt person never owns up to being hurt. The offender isn't (or can't be) accountable. The hurt party minimizes the harm done to them, which Dr Spring notes can cause harm to one's physical health (e.g. recent studies link cheap forgiveness and unacknowledged emotional injury to cancer!)

    CHEAP FORGIVERS TEND TO BE:

    - CONFLICT AVOIDERS who fear retaliation or rejection by the offender, or who fear the intensity of their own anger and rage.

    - PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE people who bury their true feelings and cover them up with a smile.  They give the false impression that everything is okay in the relationship when they really feel anger and bitterness. They create physical or emotional distance from the offender without explanation and may display outright sarcasm and defiance.

    - SELF-SACRIFICERS who believe putting others above themselves is a virtue. They devalue themselves! They treat themselves as second-class citizens by doing things they would never do, nor expect, of others.  They don't set healthy limits nor speak up for themselves.

    DISADVANTAGES OF CHEAP FORGIVENESS: Keeping the peace may be an advantage in the short-term.  But, cheap forgiveness keeps the two friends, coworkers, family members, and/or lovers at a distance from each other.  A false intimacy is perpetuated and dominates the relationship. Neither person gets to grow and therefore the relationship is stymied.  At worst, cheap forgiveness may convey that you are agreeing with the offenders' mistreatment of you.

  2. REFUSING TO FORGIVE:"YOU CAN'T HURT ME & GET AWAY WITH IT!"

    On the opposite end of the spectrum are the Non-Forgivers.  They maintain a grudge and never let the offender off the hook, even after sincere apologies are made.  Non-forgivers may respond with distance, detachment, aggression, and, at worst, are filled with vengeance and retaliatory rage. Like cheap forgiveness, non-forgiving may be an isolated event or a learned pattern of behaviour. If you have ever experienced "the silent treatment" then you have been at the receiving end of a non-forgiver's wrath. Sometimes non-forgivers were raised in non-forgiving, merciless households where there was no tolerance for imperfection or mistakes. If there was chronic or severe abuse, then non-forgivers can feel empowered when they cut off contact with others or feel contempt or hate. If you were humiliated as a child, then you may become punishing, humiliating, and unforgiving in turn.

    NON-FORGIVERS TEND TO BE:

    - NARCISSISTIC:  Narcissists are extremely self-involved, self-serving and self-centered. They have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and expect special favors and rights without recognizing others are entitled to the same. They frequently feel wounded and enraged when others don't do what they want as expect other people are here to serve and dote on them. Therefore, when people express individual opinions or needs contrary to the narcissist's, he or she blames the other person for the conflict.  If you apologize to a narcissist, your words are not accepted and have no impact.  The narcissist, dependent on total admiration from others, cannot tolerate humility nor criticism.  Nor can they accept their own part in the conflict.  Trying to make peace with someone who is forever unrepentant, unforgiving, and "always right" is futile.  And crazy-making!

    - TYPE "A" PERSONALITIES These people are power-oriented, over-reactive, hostile, condescending, and defensive.  They are impatient, self-centered, and demanding.  They have difficulties in most relationships.  Like Narcissists, they usually don't care about your feelings.  They act arrogant and enjoy confrontations because they like the feeling of powerfulness that comes from annihilating others.

    ADVANTAGES & DISADVANTAGES OF NOT FORGIVING: Dr. Spring notes that not forgiving makes non-forgivers feel invulnerable.  Humiliating others makes them feel powerful. Non-forgivers blame others for their own failures.  And defeating their enemy in a forceful way can replace the emptiness and powerlessness (that truly haunts the non-forgiver) with the thrill of victory and a surge of adrenalin. But not forgiving is an unproductive response to a violation.  It prevents any positive resolution to the conflict and cuts off any dialogue with the offender. It may restore "pride," but it prevents the non-forgiver from having any personal growth or understanding.  True intimacy and closeness are never achieved and always longed for. Refusing to forgive may bring temporary feelings of aliveness and ward off a recurrent sense of emptiness, but it poisons the non-forgiver physically and emotionally.  (Again, studies show elevated blood pressure, higher risk of cancer and infectious disease in Type A personalities).
SO WHAT DOES GENUINE FORGIVENESS REQUIRE?
Dr. Spring says that forgiveness requires the full experiencing of feelings by both the hurt party and the offender.  It requires clear communication between BOTH parties to deepen understanding and to repair the disconnection that occurred.  And it requires a commitment to quit the destructive behaviours. But what if the offender refuses to acknowledge their own actions as hurtful?  What if he or she refuses to acknowledge your feelings, or worse, dismisses and devalues you?  What if the offender makes no commitment or effort to change their ways?  If you don't want to give your forgiveness away cheaply and you don't want to become stuck in non-forgiveness, what can you do?   Dr, Spring offers two healthier forms of forgiveness: "Acceptance" and "Genuine Forgiveness."
ACCEPTANCE:
Sometimes we want to forgive, but maintaining contact with the offender is dangerous or self-destructive.  Sometimes the offender will not acknowledge their role in hurting you or will not make the attempt to understand your pain.
Acceptance allows the hurt party to take control of their pain, make sense of their injury and create a relationship with the offender that makes sense and works for you. While you may not be responsible for the harm that was done to you, you are responsible for your own recovery from that harm! 

TEN STEPS OF ACCEPTANCE FOR HURT PEOPLE:
  1. HONOR THE FULL RANGE OF YOUR EMOTIONS: Anger, sadness, rage, grief, despair, whatever they are, identify them, experience them fully in your body, talk them out to someone.  Do not let go of your grievance until you can fully honour the full extent of your feelings.

  2. GIVE UP YOUR NEED FOR REVENGE, BUT CONTINUE TO SEEK A JUST RESOLUTION: Don't stay stuck in trying to make the other person "pay" for your hurt.  Often that results in an escalation of hurts and an endless cycle of victim and perpetrator roles. Real satisfaction comes from living a happy life. In other words, put your time and energy toward having your own hurt understood and validated rather than focusing on the offender.  You will not undo your pain by "getting even" with or inflicting pain on the person who hurt you. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't get the best resolution you can.  If your wife cheats on you with your neighbour, look for the best legal resources you can find to get the best financial and child custody agreement you can.  Become your best self.  Obey your own moral codes even if your offender didn't.  Keep your own dignity and self-respect. Find a resolution that honours your own principles.

  3. STOP OBSESSING ABOUT THE INJURY AND REENGAGE WITH LIFE:  Obsessing only hurts you...replaying the injury over and over again hurts YOUR body, YOUR mind, YOUR heart.  Your offender hurt your, but do not continue to hurt yourself by obsessing and re-exposing yourself to the suffering over and over and over again. Know that obsession can be your body's reaction to a trauma.  If you find you are having difficulty with obsessions, see a professional for help. Letting go of obsessive thoughts is not the same as letting go of the injury.  How you were hurt matters and you need to talk about that.

  4. PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FURTHER ABUSE: Accepting someone who is physically or emotionally abusive does not mean you have to continue to be abused.  Acceptance means taking precautions to ensure your safety, setting limits, and sometimes saying, "You hurt me very much.  I am angry and very hurt.  I loved you deeply.  Nonetheless, goodbye!"  Acceptance doesn't have to mean reconciliation. You can accept someone and still ban them from your life.

  5. FRAME THE OFFENDER'S BEHAVIOURS IN TERMS OF HIS/HER OWN PERSONAL STRUGGLES: Don't let others determine how you feel about yourself.  Remind yourself that while the person did something TO you, but that it wasn't necessarily ABOUT you.
    Trying to see things from the offender's point of view, knowing about his or her personal history may help you to dispel any mistaken assumptions that you caused or deserved your hurt.
  6. LOOK HONESTLY AT YOUR OWN CONTRIBUTION TO THE INJURY: Own up to your own issues.  Look honestly at yourself.  do you REPEATEDLY find yourself in the role of victim?  Are you FREQUENTLY told you are misperceiving things.  Are you overly-sensitive across a range of your relationships?  What non-constructive ideas and expectations about your self, others, the world to you have that influence your response in relationships? Own up to your share of the problem.

  7. CHALLENGE YOUR FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED: Identify the distortions in your thinking.  Are you looking at things objectively? Do you have "black-or-white" thinking, i.e., you're perfect or horrible, right or wrong, good or bad? Do you expect others to read your mind?  Do you assume that you can know what the other person is thinking? do you get caught in over-generalizing..."He ALWAYS does this?" Do you expect the worst?  Do you jump to conclusions?  Do you have "should" rules..."a woman who loves me should always hold me whenever I need her to." Examine your assumptions and see if they really are helpful.

  8. LOOK AT THE OFFENDER APART FROM THE OFFENSE; WEIGH THE GOOD WITH THE BAD: It's normal to have negative feelings about someone when they've hurt you.  With acceptance, you honour these feelings and also try to separate out the offender from the offense and view his behaviour in the context of your relationship. Try to see the offender objectively.  For example, your father may never have been able to give you affection.  And you have every right to be hurt by that.  Honor the feelings that go with that hurt.  Also look at other ways that your father behaved.  Did he demonstrate his support for you?  Show pride in your accomplishments?  Be there when you needed a hand?   See the person in a multi-dimensional light and don't fixate solely on their short-comings.

  9. CAREFULLY DECIDE THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT WITH THE OFFENDER:  If the offender is unwilling or unable to make amends, decide what kind of relationship you want to have with the offender.  If you reconcile, can you remain authentic (be yourself, acknowledge your pain) in the relationship?  You can have acceptance without a reconciliation when the offender is absent:  the offender has died and there can never be a reconciliation, but you can choose Acceptance.  Imagine what you would say to the deceased or absent person if you could be totally honest with them.  What did you never get to say to them?  Imagine how they would respond to your statements. You may not forgive the offender because s/he has not earned your forgiveness, but can you live with his or her shortcomings and make peace with yourself? You can have acceptance without reconciliation when the offender won't apologize:  the offender wants to maintain a relationship but refuses to earn forgiveness.  You can accept the offender and still break off contact with him until he makes amends.You can accept and reconcile when the offender won't apologize: For example you may choose to get along with your boss to protect your job even though you may not respect him.  Or remain civil to your ex-wife and her new partner for the sake of the children.  Some relationships are more important to preserve than others. You have the ability to choose to accept the situation and your feelings about it.
  10. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS:  How have you ALLOWED the offender to hurt you? And therefore, how have you hurt yourself?  Did you ignore your suspicions?  Did you trust too easily?  Did you minimize your suffering?  Did you tolerate abusive behaviour?  These are all self-inflicted wounds.  Will you forgive yourself?
WHAT IS GENUINE FORGIVENESS:
Genuine forgiveness is a "shared venture" where two people, bound together by an interpersonal violation, exchange their care, compassion, understanding, and empathy with each other. Genuine forgiveness is conditional and must be earned. It comes with a price that the offender is willing to pay.  In exchange, the hurt party must allow him or her to settle this debt.  As the offender works to earn forgiveness, the hurt party works to let go of resentment and the need for punishment. With genuine forgiveness, the offender takes on the role of attending to the perceived or real danger.  The offender becomes vigilant--on guard and protectively watching--to any way in which their hurt partner maybe reactive to any number of signals that remind them of the traumatic event.  

CONCLUSION:
Forgiveness is possible but it requires insight, emotional honesty and commitment...from both the hurt person and the offender. Like bones, where we break, we become stronger...if the right interventions, corrections, and rehabilitation occurs.  If you have hurt someone or been hurt, I encourage you to make the effort toward acceptance or genuine forgiveness.  It works!    If you want to read more about forgiveness, go to:  http://www.dianeandersoncounselling.com and read more about “The Gift of Forgiveness”.