As I ponder
and look back in my life, I must say it has been a very fascinating adventure
full of happiness, joy, sadness, lots of tears, painful times but yet some I
rather keep in my box of memories I have treasured throughout my life. But of
course, it is only the happy moments of my life that I keep. I like to keep
those happy moments because they are the ones that keep my hope alive. Hope is the very essence that feeds my faith
and it nurtures my heart to believe that happiness does exist all around me. I
have learned that you create your own happiness even in the midst of pain, pain
of losing someone you loved, a relationship gone bad, ending a friendship, at
least for me I had lots of happy moment and those are the ones I decided to treasure
up, did you notice I said “decided” because I made the decision to keep the
happy memories to avoid filling my heart
with hate and bitterness and carry the pain that weight me down for so
many years, at first it wasn’t easy, but with much determination I decided to
free myself and accept the good times and
release the bad and that gave me a fulfilling sense of peace that lets me enjoy
the happiness that I created in my heart and it flows from my mind to my entire
being.
Keeping the happy memories also fills me with much contentment to live
the now; allowing the happy memories to outweigh the bad gives me a sense of
freedom to be able to enjoy my life to the fullest. It helps me to keep my mind
free from bondage, it keeps my heart young and it lets my spirit dance to every
beat of my heart releasing within me peace and joy that overflows with the
unexplainable feelings that keeps me young and strong.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
As I sit
here to sort my mind in hopes to align it with my heart, I wondered if I ever
really knew the man I fell in love with.The man that came into my life unexpected and did everything he had to
do to win my heart. Before this man came along, I had built walls and barriers
on every side of my heart to guard myself against the lies that lived behind
those walls from men who preyed over the vulnerability and innocence of a woman
that had so much to give and offer of herself.A woman that dreamed and hoped that one day, a man will come and repair
her broken pieces of her heart and seal them together and make it whole again
with his tender hands, touch and love. A man that knew of her past and swore
never to break her heart and live that fairy tale life of love conquers all,
for better or for worst, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. The dream
of every woman of all ages, that was my dream, my desires and my hope and along
came this man who I refuse to let in, because of the very thing that I feared became
a dreadful reality.
He
persuaded, he insisted, he persevered, he challenged himself to win my heart at
all cost, but I ask God now, what was the real reason for him to challenged
himself to win over my heart and then destroy the very thing he worked so hard
to win?Was it the challenge of his ego,
his pride or his anger to get back to a woman from a pain and unfaithfulness that
was caused from another woman from his past? Was I an intended target? Was it
all being mastered in his mind while he was incarcerated, did he sense my
vulnerability through my letters?Was
this a mission he needed to accomplish to gain back his pride of a heart once
broken?Could someone be so
manipulative, so calculated, so heartless to create the scene of a man out to
conquer happiness and love but all along his heart was full of hate and
vengeance. But his mission was to conquer at all cost and he mastered the
words, the moments, the scenery, he staged it to perfection to win me over.
As time went
by, the walls began to come down, one by one, he gained my trust, he gain
access to my heart and mind and I let my guard down but I didn't realize that I
was being set up to yet another painful chapter of my life. I was in blissful
love, my heart danced with joy; my spirit was floating in clouds. I felt safe
in his arms, Just the touch of his hands made my body shiver, I felt lost in
his eyes, his kiss would weaken me to surrender, he was passionate, I felt
desired, loved, he took me to a place where I felt overpowered by his strength.
He woke in me the desire, the passion; the very essence of being loved by such
a man became my obsession. He controlled every inch of my body and soul, just
the smell of his breath in my body would erupt in me an ecstasy of un-explainable pleasure that my body never experienced. The desires within me
needed to feel and smell this man who had taken control of my every being. All
my senses seems to be control by him, he became an addiction. He became to me
the blood that flowed through my veins and kept my heart beating to keep me alive.I needed him as an addict needed
a quick fix. I was a love puppet being controlled by her master Puppet. I
thought that my dreams were being fulfilled by this loving, caring, passionate
man. I felt my life was finally complete….
But when I
least expected it, the true identity of this man whose heart was full of pain
and vengeance came at me full force, he became hurtful, spiteful, unresponsive
to my needs, He became cold and he lacked any sensitivity over my feelings, no
remorse of all wrong doing. It was like this man came and took over the life of
the man I fell in love with. He became manipulative, he was intimidating, and
he was hateful, cruel with words and actions. My life became a world of
confusion, a world with unanswered questions, seeking desperately for the man I
loved but with no avail, he was gone forever and he took with him my hopes, my
dreams, my trust and my love. And I
became the victim of this cruel and vengeful man who had control of my mind,
body and soul and I wallowed in despair, in loneliness, in pain and in shame. I
felt I was in the world of darkness and chained to the valley of brokenness and
there scattered I saw my broken dreams, my hopes, my trust, my love, my heart,
my strength, my faith and my self- value.
Days became
weeks, weeks became months and months became eternal in this valley of
darkness. Weakness overcame my strength, shame overtook the confidence and
self-worth I once felt. But one day, I glanced at my broken hope and saw a
light that was transcending from the four corners of this valley of darkness
and the magnificent glory of GOD’s presence broke the chained that had me
shackled into brokenness and brought it all back to life along with me was my
dreams, my faith, my trust, my love and my self-worth were mended
back together.
So, as I
walked out of the valley of darkness, still feeling the sting of the unknown
reasons behind the drastic change of this man that won my heart and love still
lingers unanswered. But as I continue to walk into the light of restoration and
healing, I know one day I will become whole again and understand the reasons
behind this season of my life. I also pray that one day I will be able to trust
and believe again and treasure the very thing that helped me come out of the
valley of darkness is the HOPE that one day I will be fully heal and move on with my life.
